I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
