Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
