sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
