Will you blow on my dice?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
