how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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