ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
