I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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