why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
