I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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