Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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