I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
