I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
