Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
