It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
