I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
