how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
