so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
