Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You're completely useless in the revolution.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
