If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
