i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
