i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Im part way to drunk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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