I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
