Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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