I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
