ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
