i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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