the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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