She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
