I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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