I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
