So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
