I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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