I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
