at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
