I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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