i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
