I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
