i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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