At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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