i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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