it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
