you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
