party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I touched a dick in church today
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
