So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
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