In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people