Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea