mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.