...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
