It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.