Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes