"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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