I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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