I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
