OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
