Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
