I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
