all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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