i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
