Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
