you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
