Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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