The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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