I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
