Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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