There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
