I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
