Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
