so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
